Universally Screwed

Dear Universe,

Firstly, than you for letting me exist. I like existing. Being cognisent of my existance and being able to enjoy the simple things you provide in the hours I spend in your company.
Like chocolate, Haagen Das, good lager (Peroni and Red Stripe come to mind), music, sunshine, thunderstorms and of course, family.

I do, however, have a small complaint to lodge with you. While I enjoy the simpler things you provide, I am, afterall, human and bein that, have dreams and aspirations and even, on a good day, hope and optimism.

So, then, why, I have to ask, do you instill those things in me and then make it hard as fuck to reach them?
It's like putting a huge 70% off sale sign in the window, only to find that none of the shoes fit and all the clothes are pink. Not fucking fair, is it?

I've been really good, sending out positive karma into your world and what do I get in return?
Sucky ass jobs that pay nothing, continuous let downs and disappointment.

In truth Universe, you have decidely pissed me off. I've been working so fucking hard and all I keep getting is a big Fuck You in return.

This can't continue. Is your ultimate plan for me to end up spending a year on my mom's couch getting grossly fat, marrying some loser and popping out five kids then dying of a anti-depressant overdose? I mean, really. I have a sense of humour, but that just isn't funny. Like Rob Schieder movies - not funny at all.

So here's my offer to you, ruler of destinies and lives. In exchange for givin me a fucking well deserved break, I will never, ever bitch when I have to deal with stupid people. In fact, I will love everyone in the world and never think ill of anyone, no matter how much of a moron they truly are.
I will also sell you the soul of my first born. You can have my cat's soul too.

Eagerly awaiting your reply, in the form of something good finally happening.

Thank you,

Insano.